Hamilton Oneshots
by TealSnake
Summary: For anytime I need to write. There's not really much more to it. I'll do requests though if you want.
1. Anxiety

Alex tapped his pen against the desk lightly. It was currently 3 am and he was finishing up an essay. Empty coffee cups littered his work space as he scratched his pen against the paper, words forming from the ink. _"—in conclusion, I believe that no matter what age, race, gender, sexuality, or religion, everyone should be treated equally. Being Lgbtq does not diminish someone's ability to work and achieve their goals. Sincerely, A. Hamilton"_

As soon as he finished writing his essay, he tidied up up a bit before immediately starting on another one. It was the only way his mind would shut up.

"Alex..?" Alex jumped at the sudden noise coming from John.

"You scared me," he said.

"Why are you still up?" John asked, sitting up from his bed.

"I'm writing," He responded, going to work on the one he just started.

"Babe, you need to rest," John got up and rested his head on Alex's.

"I'm okay Jackie," He started scratching down some words.

"No, Lex, you've been like this for weeks. You never rest, or take a break, or anything like that," John sighed, "You overwork yourself."

"How can I not? There's so much work to be done, I need to keep my grades up, and I can't do anything else because I'm such a fucking buzzkill." Alex replied nonchalantly.

"Lex, you know that's not true—"

"Yes it is," He interrupted, "I see how they look at me."

"How who looks at you?" John asked.

"Everyone. Laf, Hercules, literally everyone. I'm not stupid. Nobody want's an orphan boy with bad PTSD and anxiety as a friend. I still wonder how you put up with me all the damn time." Alex kept writing.

"Nobody does that and you know it," He reassured.

"You don't know that, nobody does, and I'd rather not take my chances."

_Beat._

"Okay, that's it," John took the pen from Alex.

"Hey! Give it back!" He reached up for it, John being taller, so he was unsuccessful.

"No, come lie down. You have bags under your eyes so big they can carry milk gallons," John remarked with a small chuckle.

"Hnnnn, nooo!" Alex complained. "I need to keep writing!" He kept reaching up for the pen.

"Lex, look at yourself love! You're always exhausted, you're getting thinner by the day, and I've seen the blades and cuts."

Alex's blood ran cold. He knew?

"How long—"

"A long time," John already knew what he was going to ask.

Alex paused and thought for a minuet.

"Fine..."

Score. John picked Alex up bridal style, earning a quiet yelp from him. He lied them both down, holding Alex close to him.

John started to doze off before Alex spoke.

"I'm sorry..." Alex whispered.

John heard his voice break a bit, just now noticing he was crying.

"Don't be sorry, I'm not mad," John reassured.

"Are you sure..?"

"Yes Lex, I promise. None of this is your fault."

"Alright..."

By now it was 3:45 am.

"Let's get some rest..." John said, earning a small noise of agreement from the shorter man. They both drifted off to blissful (and much needed) sleep.

* * *

**Sorry, this one was kinda angsty. It's 5:30 am and I haven't slept all night thanks to my anxiety, and believe it or not, writing helps, so here's this oneshot book for whenever I wanna write random shorts. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this little chapter. If you're up late like me, get some rest. See y'all next time.**


	2. Memories

**Tw:**** mentions of sexual abuse, cutting, panic attack/flashback**

* * *

"No- No no no- not again-" His breathing was fast and uneven.

_"Alexander!~"_

"NO NOT AGAIN"

"Alex!"

"NO! PLEASE!"

_"Come out baby!"_

"NO I DON'T WANT TO!"

_"But you like it! Don't lie!"_

"NO I DON'T PLEASE NO!"

"ALEX!"

John shook him.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" He screamed.

"ALEX LISTEN TO ME!"

"NO NO NO GET AWAY!"

_"But you like it, you fucking slut."_

"NO GET AWAY!"

Lafayette and Hercules burst in.

"What's going on?" They said in unison.

"It's Alex- he won't respond! He keeps screaming 'no' and I don't know what to do!"

_"Found you!" He was dragged out from his hiding place and pinned down._

"GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! STOP IT!" Alex held himself tightly.

"Alex, mon amie listen to me. It is not real," Laf started calmly.

"GET OFF! STOP!"

"Alex, you need to listen. Focus on my voice. It is not real," He tried again.

_"Why do you keep this from me? You know you want—it is not real."_

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT REAL?!"

"I think I am starting to get through to him," Laf took a deep breath. "Alexander, listen to me. This is nothing but a flashback."

"F-Flashback? No- no stop lying to me! GET OFF!"

"Alex please listen to Laf," Hercules added in. "Me, Laf, and John are here."

"J-John?"

"Yes Alex, I'm here- listen to me- It's not real, do you understand me?"

"But it feels so real-"

"I know, but trust me, it's not," John reassured.

"But- but it feels so real-"

"I know hun, but it's not."

After a few minuets of calming him down, he had fallen asleep in John's lap.

"Thank you both so much for helping," John said, keeping quiet so Alex could rest.

"Of course, mon amie."

"We'd be happy to help anytime."

"Thank you. You two can go back to bed now if you'd like," John offered, and they gladly accepted.

Alex was okay now, he was calm and resting. No more past to taunt him in his unconscious state. They were okay.

* * *

**I'm running on 4 hours of sleep and a lot of caffeine so that's great lol. I kind of like to base Alex off of some stuff I've been through. Of course I tone it up some for the sake of the plot. Be back with another short later, see ya.**


	3. Lifeboat

**Hey guys, I am back again with another one shot. It's probably gonna be angsty because I'm always sad but we don't talk about that. Anyways, on with the story!**

**Tw: Arguing, Cutting, Hospital**

* * *

It's sickening. The fact that he could just say he was fine and everyone would believe him. Alexander has always been a good liar. But I could see through. I could poke holes in his lies spread thin.

I could help. I could help and no one else could. No one else knew, or no one else cared. Either way, I've always been there. Even if we argue and bicker, he could trust me with his secrets. It made me feel special for the first time in a long time.

I am his lifeboat.

I keep him afloat.

I, Thomas Jefferson, am the reason he is still alive.

And I love him. Even if he doesn't love me, I love him.

I always have.

"Hey Alexander," I started.

"Hm?" He replied.

"You seem off today."

He just shrugged.

"I'm serious Alex, what's wrong?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Actually I would."

Alex just scoffed at me.

He was always like this when I knew something was wrong.

"Alex—"

"Jefferson, shut the fuck up. Please, for the love of god. I don't have to tell you shit. Stop fucking asking."

"Alexander, I do this because I fucking care."

"Well you shouldn't. Don't you get it? Have you not caught on? _I. Hate. You._ I always have, and I always will."

I was taken aback by his words.

"Alex I—"

"Don't. Don't say anything. I don't fucking care. Just shut up for once in your damned life."

_Beat._

"Fine. You want me to leave? I'll leave. It's not like I fucking fell in love with you or anything. It's not like I neglect my own fucking needs to care for you. But I'll leave. And don't expect your lifeboat to be back anytime soon."

I stormed out of our shared dorm. Of course he didn't care. No one does. I'm his lifeboat. But no one is mine. I found my little secluded area on campus. It was somewhere behind the building where it met the forest.

_"I. Hate. You. I always have, and I always will."_

His words echoed through my ears.

"Fuck..."

Tears welled up in my eyes.

"FUCK!"

I punched the brick wall, leaving my knuckles bruised and bloody.

I leaned against the wall, sliding down it while dropping my messenger bag down to my side.

I opened my bag and moved stuff around before finding what I was looking for.

My blade.

I rolled up my letter jacket sleeve. My arm was already littered in cuts.

I made more. It started with with one.

Then two.

Then four.

Then seven.

Then thirteen.

Then twenty.

Then twenty-six.

Blood was dripping down my arm. It didn't hurt. It was just numb.

I heard a gasp in front of me. I look up and see none other than Alexander Hamilton.

"What? You shocked? You shouldn't be," I just let the blood drip down my arm, "I don't have a lifeboat. You have me."

"Tom I—"

"Save it, I don't need excuses. You hate me, and that's that."

"No Tom I—"

"You what? You're sorry? You didn't mean it? That's what they all say. But you know I'll be back. I can't stay away from you. You're like an addiction Alexander. I just can't get enough."

The blood didn't stop running down my arm. I started to feel a bit light headed. Alex just stood there in shock.

"Damn, now I'm gonna need a new jacket."

"I'm gonna go get help—"

"Don't. I don't need it. If I die, it's my own damn fault."

He disregarded my words and ran off to get help.

I tried to stand up, eventually doing so, stumbling off into the forest.

I could hear when Alex got back to my spot. He looked around for a moment. I looked down.

"Fuck."

There was a trail of blood leading straight to me. I kept walking.

The loss of blood made me dizzy, and I fell.

I didn't move. I only stared at the sky, hearing Alex and someone else rush over to me before blacking out.

* * *

**HEHEHE CLIFFHANGER!**

**Jk**

* * *

I woke up to the sound of monitors beeping rhythmically. There was a blinding light looming overhead.

"Fuck, turn off the light..." I mumbled.

"He's awake!"

"Thomas!"

"Hamilton? And... James?"

"Oh thank god!" James said.

"Thomas I'm so sorry!" Alex said after.

I kind of just shrugged.

"It's alright, it's no problem," I dismissed.

"No Thomas it's—"

"Ah, you're awake," Said the nurse, walking in.

"Angelica?"

"Mhm, I'm in training, but I'm pretty good at it so they let me do a patient by myself. I didn't know that patient would be you, for well... that," She gestured to my arm.

"Heh, well, you never know."

"I never thought you were fighting your own battles, just fighting Alex. You seem way too cocky for that."

"It happens."

"Anyways, you lost some blood and need to stay here for a while to rest and recover."

"Understandable."

"I'll come check in on you later. Don't die?" She said, half heartedly.

"Alright."

She nodded and walked out of the room.

"Y'all can go home now if you'd like, since it's like, midnight," I offered.

"You sure?" James asked.

"Mhm," I replied.

"Alright, stay safe," He said and left.

"What about you?"

"I wanna stay."

"But I thought you hated me," I said mockingly.

"I don't. I was just super pissed off, and you were the first person in my line of fire," He teared up and looked away, "I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you. I'm sorry..."

"It's alright."

"Really?"

"Yeah, no sweat man. It's not uncommon for me to cut after arguments. It's not just you. It's okay."

Alex walked over to me and hugged me tightly.

"I'll be your lifeboat..."

* * *

**Woah this was long. I literally wrote half of it in the social worker's office in my school because I had a panic attack. Basically I wrote myself into Jefferson a bit (a bunch) and I'm actually pretty proud of this! Anyways, see y'all in the next story.**


	4. Ice Skating

**Random thing before the story: So, my friend sneezes a lot when he does. Its like short bursts ig. Anyways these bitches fucking look at him, and scoot away, and I look up and glare at them with my death stare. Basically if it happens again ima get into a fight my dudes. Anyways, a bit of fluff to make up for all the angst!**

* * *

"Hercules! Hurry up mon amour!" Lafayette whined.

"One sec!" Hercules appeared from the kitchen.

"I got wine and popcorn, now will you tell me what movie we're gonna watch?"

"No, because we are not watching a movie!" Lafayette snickered.

"wHat?"

"Indeed, we are going Ice Skating!"

"BUT I MADE POPCORN! AND I BOUGHT WINE!" Hercules complained.

"Movie after!"

"But the popcorn will be stale!" He whined.

"Eat it in the car!"

"Fine..." Hercules huffed.

"You mignon dork," Laf said before grabbing his hand and dragging him out to the car.

* * *

Hercules slipped and fell... again.

"Laf I'm no good at this!" He complained.

"Just keep trying mon amour!"

After about five minuets, Hercules could move around without falling. He wasn't nearly as graceful as Lafayette, but it was enough for him.

"Laf! Laf look! I'm not falling!"

"I told you you would get it! Good job cher!" Laf said.

He then slipped and fell. "MERDE!"

Hercules burst into laughter before falling as well and landing in front of him.

"Hi."

"Hi."

_Beat._

They both started laughing.

"Lets go home, mon cher."

"I'm cool with that."

They ended up watching 'Love, Simon' before falling asleep.

* * *

**Oof, this one was kinda short, probably because I wasn't spewing my feelings into it, but I hope y'all enjoyed anyways! **


	5. Attempt

**Here's angst because I hate everyone :) Also I'm putting myself in the place of John so he's gay and trans.**

**Tw: Bullying, Fighting, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt**

* * *

"Yo fag!" Someone had called out to me and Alex. It was George, aka 'King'... what a dumb nickname. He had his little douche squad around him.

"The fuck did you say?" I responded.

"Oops, sorry!" I glared at them.

"You wanna say that shit again to my face?"

"Stop trying to act like a man," King snickered.

"John, they're not worth it," Alex said while trying to hold me back. Kids started to circle.

**(A/N: Everything above actually happened.)**

"Excuse me? Why don't you shove those retarted insults up your ass," I spoke as I broke free from his grip, approaching them.

"Oh! I'm so scared! What's a little pussy girl like you gonna do to me?" He mocked.

Then he was sent stumbling backwards, a red mark on his jaw. He can thank me for the new bruise that was forming.

He ran up and tackled me, but I didn't fall. I held my ground and shoved him away before kicking him in the shin as hard as I could.

"FUCK!" One of his goons went up and punched me. I grabbed his arm and shoved him back.

"John stop fighting!" Alex begged. I ignored him.

"I'm sick and tired of you little shits thinking you can do whatever the fuck you want!" Two of them jumped on me, pinning me down. I struggled against their grip, but being born female makes you weaker than most born males. King came up and started punching me in the face relentlessly before the teachers stopped the fight.

* * *

I had a black eye and a broken nose, and my arms had bruises in the shape of hand prints from where I was being held down. I didn't regret it. Alex was hugging me and holding me close. I was crying. _Of course I was. I'm just a little pussy. I shouldn't be crying. I'm a man._

"Jade?" The nurse called for me.

"John," I corrected.

She kind of just ignored me. Figures.

"You're suspended for three days is what I was told."

"Why? I didn't do anything wrong! They provoked me!"

"This is not my decision. Your dad is coming up to get you now."

"THIS IS BULLSHIT!"

"Hey! Watch your mouth!"

"Whatever," I muttered. Alex held me closer. "It's gonna be okay John," He reassured. I buried my face in his chest.

* * *

I hid my face in my blanket. _I'm such a disappointment. _I glanced at my side table. Sitting there was something glinting in the sunlight. _A blade._ A small, one inch razor blade that I had taken out of a pencil sharpener. Only one thing was running through my mind: _Do it._ But what would Lafayette say? What would Hercules say? Those questions were quickly drowned out.

_Do it._

_Do it._

_Do it._

_Do it._

_Do it._

So I did it. It started like it always does: I roll up my sleeve. I have that moment of fear before making the first cut. Then I can't stop until it hurts too much.

I made seventeen this time.

* * *

The three days passed by quickly, each day leaving me with more cuts. I ended up having a total of forty-five.

_God, I'm such a disappointment._

And no one ever found out.

* * *

I called Lafayette. He answered. "John, mon amie, what's up?"

"Laf..."

"John are you alright?"

"If I'm not at school tomorrow, tell Alex I love him..."

_Beat._

"JOHN NO NOT AGAIN! I'M COMING OVER!"

"No, Laf, please don't... Please..."

But he hung up.

I had downed twenty pills, more than the thirteen I did last time. **(Fun Fact: I actually did down 13 during my attempt)**

Minuets later I heard a voice from the other side of the door. I opened it to be immediately met with an embrace from Lafayette.

"Mon amie It's going to be okay..." His voice was shaky.

"Laf... I'm tired..."

"No! Do not fall asleep! The ambulance is coming! How many did you take?"

"Twenty I think... Laf I just wanna sleep..."

"No, no stay with me cher!"

* * *

**HAHAHA CLIFFHANGER! Yeah this got dark, probably because I'm hella upset oof. But anyways, hope you enjoyed my angst. See y'all next chapter. **


	6. Not a chapter

Hey. So, I'm writing this vent to get something off my chest. I've been feeling really suicidal lately and I don't know what to do anymore. I've I been in therapy, been in a mental hospital, and I'm taking medicine, but nothing is working. The only thing that works is cutting and starving myself, and those don't work all the time. I feel like attempting suicide again but I won't. I'm always upset. Nothing I try works. My bf had to take me to the councilor today while I was having a mini panic attack because I said I was gonna kill myself. I've been pissed with my mum, every asshole in my school, and my brother. It's all spiraling downhill again and I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm upset. Everything sucks.

So, sorry about my vent. I'll put up a new one shot later to make up for it, but it's currently midnight so I'm gonna go to sleep. Stay safe everyone. 'Till next chapter.


	7. Dysphoria

**I'm writing this because I'm having bad dysphoria right now oop, also cuz I haven't posted in forever. 'Tis Jamilton because I love this ship. College AU.**

**Tw: Anxiety attack, Dysphoria**

* * *

Alexander stared at himself in the mirror, carefully examining every little detail of his body. His face was too round. His shoulders were too soft. His hips were too wide. He barely even had a stubble yet because he just started taking Testosterone. His mind blared words, and he couldn't get them to stop.

_"Your body is too curved"_

_"Your chest isn't flat enough"_

_"You look too feminine"_

_"You look like a lesbian"_

_"You don't pass well enough"_

_"You look like a female"_

In a blind fit of stress, he punched the mirror as hard as he could, leaving shards of glass littering the sink and floor, along with some blood.

_"You're too weak"_

Alex's fingers found themself gripping his hair.

_"Female"_

_"Female"_

_"Female"_

_"Female"_

"—ex? Alexander? Hamilton!"

He was snapped out of his trance. Hamilton looked up and saw none other than the infamous Thomas Jefferson.

"What's wrong?" Thomas asked gently.

"Oh please, like you'd know, or even care for that matter."

"Alex... I want to help," He tried again.

"It's nothing, go back to bed." It was currently 1:00 AM. Alex had been awake this whole time, his mind too flooded with thoughts to fall asleep. Thomas, on the other hand, had just woken up from a deep slumber. His usually glorious mane was now a rat's nest of curls and tangles, yet Alex had found that his boyfriend was attractive on every moment of every day.

"It's not nothing, don't try and play it off. You broke the mirror for christ's sake!" Thomas did have a point there, and as much as Alex hated giving in, especially to Jefferson, he did.

"It's my dysphoria... I..." Alexander took a deep breath. He hadn't come out to Thomas yet, scared of what he might do or say.

"I'm trans. I was born a female, but my brain was made as a male's."

_Beat._

"Oh! Okay, I thought it was going to be worse. Come sit," He said, gesturing to the bed outside of the bathroom. They both sat down, Alex fidgeting with his hands.

"It all makes sense now. Why you change privately, why you don't want to take it one step further, why you don't go swimming—I just can't believe I didn't see this sooner! You pass so well!"

"So... you're not upset?" Alex asked apprehensively.

"Oh, heavens no! Let me tell you a little thing about me," Thomas leaned in for dramatic affect, "I'm genderflux, bouncing around from Agender to Cisgender all the time."

Alex gasped. "Really? So, you know what dysphoria is like?"

"Mhm! Now you know that you can come to me about any of your Trans issues."

Alex thought for a minute, before speaking, "What are your pronouns right now?"

Thomas smiled warmly. "They/Them please."

"Alright!" Alexander smiled back.

They settled back into their cuddle position, Alex being the little spoon and Thomas being the big spoon.

"Goodnight love," Thomas whispered.

"Goodnight," Alex replied, and they both drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

* * *

**OMG I'M SUPER PROUD OF THIS! THE ENDING EVEN MADE ME FANBOY! AND I _WROTE_ IT! THAT'S FRICKIN CRAZY! Anyways, i hope y'all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please r&r! See y'all next chapter! Have a great day/night!**


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